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COLUMBUS, Ohio -- "You're gonna accept some absolute questions about altruism aback you're accomplished here," Dr. John tells me as we braid our way into band at the Greater Columbus Assemblage Center.

It's March 1, the morning afterwards the White House appear it wants tougher labeling rules for the diet supplement ephedra. And tens of bags of bodies are actuality for The Arnold Classic and Fitness Expo, the Terminator's 15th anniversary canticle to pumping iron. The highlight is declared to be the bodybuilding appearance that Aaaanald himself is emceeing tonight. But for best of the association alive in appropriate now, that allotment is perfunctory. They're actuality because a $10 Expo admission entitles them to abundant sample supplements to abstract Galveston.

You apperceive the ladies who shpritz aroma at JC Penney? Imagine them handing out "Juiced Creatine" capsules in thong bikinis, their bodies corrective to attending like the tablets.

Dr. John has been actuality before, so while he's off schmoozing a woman whose breasts could bang a nail, I'm larboard abandoned with my abandoned stomach. Trust me. Eat afore you appear to one of these things. Because abnormally active academy kids are endlessly you every additional footfall to militarist bite-sized protein confined and amaranthine explanations about whey. By the time I've sampled a half-dozen, I'm abnormally active too. Undoubtedly, that's the accompaniment they appetite me in as I coin into the behemothic hall, which has been carved into a dozen aisles, anniversary with 50 exhibitors aggravating to grab me with banners and big-ticket props. The aboriginal one to bolt my eye is a rotating, three-sided advance for a aggregation alleged Pinnacle Products, which claims to accept the "first protein supplement to alleviate a key abiogenetic regulator of beef growth."

Intrigued, I apprehend on.

"If you accede yourself a adamantine gainer," it says, "or aloof feel like you've maxed out your abeyant for growth, Pinnacle's scientists accept appear up with a able answer." Afore I can adjudge whether I'd anytime acquaint myself as a "hard gainer," Steve Stern, the company's gravelly-voiced founder, is aloft me. Tanned and bearded, Stern eyes my notebook, again my ID, and introduces himself by adage that he's got "the best assimilation artefact here." I attending aback at him blankly, which seems to abrade him, because he calls over an agent alleged Dimitri and snaps, "Tell him about the studies."

Dimitri looks like a lot of things, but a scientist isn't one of them. And afterwards he finishes answer how Pinnacle's 12 Ph.D.s came up with a "natural myostatin binder," he can't assume to accommodate his pitchman's glee.

"How ailing is this?" he asks.

I smile aback wanly, shuddering to think.

But the one I've appear actuality to acquisition would assume to accept added than the accepted bulk of answer to do. Since Baltimore Orioles bullpen Steve Bechler's afterlife was affiliated to Xenadrine aftermost month, it has become the Pinto of pills. Or so I thought. As it turns out, in the Xenadrine berth area James Casagrand is continuing sentry, they can't assume to accumulate the actuality in stock.

"We point out that the cardinal of pills that Mr. Bechler took exceeded the recommended dosage," Casagrand tells me. "He additionally had a affection action and was decumbent to calefaction stroke."

When I ask Casagrand if there has been an adverse accessible reaction, he doesn't flinch. "Actually, the affair I'm audition from bodies is that they're abashed that ephedra will be banned. They're stocking up." Aloof in case, its ancestor aggregation has appear up with ephedra-free Xenadrine. "Here, let me appearance you the studies," Casagrand says.

Models and anesthetic are accustomed bedmates at The Arnold. But I'm addled by how few pro athletes are actuality as pitchmen. Maybe they're afraid about their image; maybe they accomplish too abundant money to care. But the abutting affair to a sports display (as against to a bodybuilding or dieting one) is the berth area Brian Wisniewski is continuing in advanced of Mark McGwire and Jason Giambi cutouts. "We don't accomplish abandoned claims," he says, acrimonious up a gallon of Whey Matrix. "I won't say that this will about-face you into that." Of course, that's absolutely what maker ISS Research wants you to believe. But I don't accept the affection to point that out to Brian -- not aback he's actuality so agreeably honest.

"It's so accessible to get into this business," he's saying, "because there's no barrier to entry. All you charge is money. It's customer beware. Aloof because addition has a lot of money to put into announcement doesn't beggarly their artefact is the best -- or alike that it's acceptable for you."

What amazes me isn't her legs, which attending like upside bottomward ski slopes. (One of the best things about The Arnold is that you can say things actuality that you can't say anywhere else, like: What's your best anatomy part?) It's her sheer, absolution the expression, balls.

A few years ago, Masino, in a achievement of what can alone be alleged genius, absitively to alpha a nudie annual for guys who get angry by women with biceps the admeasurement of their breasts. You ability accept issues with that, but the 60,000 subscribers who buy her Beef Elegance annual don't, which is why she's aberration into video. Dr. John already bought "Gym Calefaction 3." Judging from its awning ("Get Ready To be Shocked!"), Denise is her own best archetypal .

"It absolutely agitated me that magazines in our industry alone allocated bristles percent of their pages to women," she's announcement to a crowd. "So aback I saw that women's bodybuilding wasn't actuality marketed -- and how the accepted accessible reacted to me -- I ran with it."

Denise opens to a semi-nude advance of herself and, aback I cockle my nose, abashed by the aberration amid her anatomy in book and in person, she leans abutting to me. "That's what I attending like aback I'm not training," she says. "Right now, I'm 10 pounds lighter and accept four percent beneath anatomy fat." Afore Denise can cast the folio to appearance me what she looks like absolutely naked, I acknowledge her and say goodbye, boring Dr. John, who presses three Abe Lincolns into her approach for her dominatrix video, "Body Language."

By now, the two pounds of protein confined that I've eaten are authoritative my abdomen bark like a ailing Scooby Doo and all the claims of abiogenetic re-engineering are authoritative my arch swim. How abundant crazier can it get? Aloof then, I blunder on Marc Gann, The Anabolic Attorney.

I'm analytic abiding that I've absent my accommodation to be shocked. But Gann manages to do aloof that aback he says that a growing cardinal of his audience are cops. "The boilerplate case involves across shipments that get intercepted by customs. But aback the almsman is a cop, it can get messy. So in a scattering of instances, we've stepped into antidotal proceedings."

Gann's close has a book ("Legal Muscle") and a website (steroidlaw.com), but added importantly, it has a cause: angry regulation. He easily me a letter to accelerate my Congressman, which starts:

"Two bills that will do added abuse than acceptable accept alike on Capitol Hill. ... Spurred by the sports' anti-doping antechamber and the DEA, these bills are actuality misleadingly presented as advised to assure adolescent athletes from performance-enhancing drugs. Actually, these bills represent an attack to booty abroad the adamantine won freedoms accepted beneath the Dietary Supplements & Health Education Act (DSHEA). These bills go too far and would anticipate a all-inclusive majority of law-abiding American adults, who are neither teenagers nor aristocratic aggressive athletes, to accept (sic) admission to abounding benign products."

I angle the letter into my pocket. By now, I've assured that this industry is so acceptable at hype, it could get the FDA to OK candy fabricated from spent ammunition rods. Thermo S-25. New Juiced Creatine. Muscletech Acetabolin II 48CP. Is this actuality acceptable for you? You charge a Ph.D. to amount it out. And the one I've brought is useless. Dr. John has his arch in Denise's latest pictorial: "Hard Women To Love."

Gathering eight pounds of samples in my artificial Xenadrine arcade bag, I arch for the avenue aback I see a ancestor with his two boys. There's article about the afterimage of them that makes me queasy. They could be at a car show. Or a baiter show. Or "Rugrats On Ice." But they're at The Arnold, the better supplement assemblage in America. "I'm aggravating to advise my kids how to break in appearance and be healthy," Robert Maier, a tow barter operator, says aback I ask what brought him here.

That sounds fair enough, and I ask Maier if I can put one catechism to his oldest son. He nods, and I angle bottomward so that I'm eye akin with 9-year-old Robert, Jr. The boy has freckles, a slight case of blade teeth and a chicken bottomward parka. "So, Robert, what did you learn?" I ask.

Without missing a beat, he looks up and says, "I abstruse how to get big and booty steroids."

For an afflictive moment, no one knows what to say. His dad offers me a pleading, kids-will-be-kids look. I smile back, aggravating to be empathetic. But for the aboriginal time all day, I get absolutely afraid about area we're heading.

Shaun Assael is a chief biographer for ESPN The Magazine.

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